I’m not sure I remember how to post to this. It’s been 3 years and a week since I was last here. Looking through what I posted before I am struck by the sameness between what I wrote then and how I feel now.
Sorry to you whose eyes fall on this, because I don’t have anything new to say. It’s not that nothing new has happened. It’s just that whatever happens always seems to lead me back to the same worn paths in my feelings and thoughts.
I am dull.
I have so much nothing to write that the page can’t hold it.
None of the options I see in the world are what I want. Perhaps I need to expand my options. But I have done that…tried to at least…many times and with much effort and expense…to no avail. Perhaps now, though??
Oh well. I thought I’d visit this unused and hardly visited blog at least one more time. Perhaps I have nothing to say and always will have nothing to say that is fresh and new.
But maybe…..maybe maybe maybe maybe?
What a whacky post.
Underneath all the external “stuff” is the me I see when I am quiet and still. I wish I could be that person for real all the time. I wish the world would let me. I wish my own external self would let me. The world and my relationship to it would have to change.
All around me I see others who also seem to live from their “external stuff” side instead of from their hearts. Sometimes I can only speculate what some people are really like, what their raw feelings would be under the right circumstances.
I lament that it is like this. There may be a few who will know what I mean.
Another day. Searching for the dramatic. Waiting for the great. Finding only the ordinary. Looking in the mirror of the soul. Finding myself a disappointment. Someone dreamy eyed who does not seem to make progress in the real world.
I think I would be happy if I could spend a lifetime contemplating small, abstract things….things in which may be found huge ideas and concepts. Concepts of space and time. Of meaning and life.
There I go again–looking for some dramatic thing! It’s like having an expectation set to “extra special” and a reality set to “extra ordinary.”
Silly silly me. Let’s make light of it all.
That’s what I would comment (at least to myself) if I read this blog….”I read your blog…you’re weird.”
I thought about some of these posts about time’s not being real and checked my own feelings. I think that perhaps it is because I am so slow inwardly relative to the things I see happening around me.
The things I watch people do and hear them say—it all moves so fast, and changes so quickly. Yet I don’t flow that quickly….don’t change that rapidly….what are the words I’m looking for? I don’t know….but it all seems so unreal to me sometimes….the pace. I don’t mean what is often called the “rat race” but what people call normal life.
I guess this is an impairment to me. It causes severe depression and a disconnected feeling. The irony of it is that I can speak very quickly in the real world, as if I’m keeping up….but the reality is that I need to ponder and consider things before I can give any thoughts from my heart. My speaking so quickly is just superficial. It’s a pity that I can’t stop this b/c people often think I am very superficial. But there seems to be no way to communicate my heart.
But God has helped me make it through. Thanks to Him…He looks out for people like me…even though He lets us suffer sometimes…indeed all the time.
I wonder which me is the real me. This morning I felt one way and this evening I feel another. Moods affect everyone. But whole mindsets…that’s another thing. I am a collection of elements. Some are more in front at different times. But I am aware of all of them all the time so that I wonder that things are not real sometimes–or whether they are mere perceptions. That doesn’t make any sense at all!
This morning I was wondering which was the real “time.” It’s like sometimes I feel there is only one real time and anything that makes things appear different “from time to time” is just an illusion. Hey! That’s what this blog was started to delve into–the supposed illusionary nature of time–or at least as it seems to me.
Have I said enough kooky things now? Does this qualify as a legitimate post?
I guess I am craving drama where there may be none again. And I guess I am really going overboard analyzing otherwise ordinary things until they become interesting.
I feel a need to post something. But I don’t know what. Maybe it’s time just to say “hello!”
Has there been any purpose in this day? It’s like being a fish trapped in a pond….it seems no matter how hard and fast you swim you’re still not going to get to the ocean (yes I know ponds are freshwater but you get the point).
So there’s no use to post, and there’s no reason not to post. There was no reason to get up this morning, and there was no reason to stay in bed. Perhaps there was some hidden meaning. I want to see it if it was present. But my view is often clouded by the activities necessary just to continue existing.
Wouldn’t it be nice to have a completely unclouded, uncrowded view for a while? That is not within my power.
Bye for now.